“Wow! You Have Lost so Much Weight!”

How do you explain to the customer going goo-goo ga-ga over how much weight you have lost, that you are the town’s free therapist? And that you are trying to figure out financial independence for yourself so that you never have to rely on anyone else to help pay for your lifestyle ever again? That people hardly ever reach out to you, but you are the one messaging 20 other people on a regular basis to check in on how they are doing? How do you explain that your body has completely shut down from the “burdens” you are carrying, and that you had the pharmacy deliver your medication to your door the other day?

How do you keep smiling when you stand at the counter after over 200 customers have come through your line that day and are looking for you to do your usual performance of “dance monkey”? When the customer you saw with his dad the other day around town, comes through the cash and tells you he and his partner are expecting their second child? And he is the same age as you.

How do you accept that you have given too much of your own energy away for free? And that you might be digging your own grave?

I stand there and laugh off her wide eyes and her going on about how she is “mesmerized by my beauty”. I stare blankly at the customer in front of me (as there is a line) and say “the weight loss was unintentional”.

I am reminded that not a single person on this planet, will save me besides myself, and it is not their responsibility in the first place. I am reminded, that I do not like watching others bleed themselves dry for things that are largely meaningless, so why would I do that to myself?

Later that night, I have the customer who tells me all about his regular travels with his family. I have the teenagers all enjoying their summer night and giggling with one another. I have the exhausted mother trying to get her children to behave. I have the older man who talks to me about keeping childhood whimsy alive.

I drive home later that night, at peace, but also wondering if this is what I want for the rest of my life. I look up at the stars and see what I assume is an airplane, as the rest of the neighborhood, whom I all serve at work, are fast asleep and curled up in their cozy homes.

I remember being on plenty of airplanes growing up. A lot of lessons learned. And I wonder, how my life story all pieces together. Yet, a deep sense of gratitude remains, for the connection with the regular customers at work, despite them sometimes saying things that annoy me.