The Sunflower and The Cashier

It comes in waves and makes me feel like I am drowning. At times, it will catch me off guard when I least expect it and am in the middle of something. It feels like an empty pit in my stomach and comes out as frustration. It tries to convince me it is anything but what it is: grief.

            Grief towards the things that did not happen for me and the life I want to live that feels too far out of reach. Grief thinking about younger me who took far too much crap from other people (and from myself). Grief when I think about people who are no longer ap art of my life (they either passed away, or a connection I was trying to build was not reciprocated).

            Grief when I think about things I cannot do because I cannot afford it. Grief when I think about everyone else who is in the same boat.

            Sometimes I want to punch a wall or throw a piece of glass at it. Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs. Sometimes, this grief gets directed at myself when I do not know how to cope with it or how to move forward when it tries to push me under the wave.